ALL ABOUT THE CRAZY X-PHILE KNOWN AS Klub
*In The Beginning...*
Well, you've made it past the age check page, so I guess I have to say a few interesting things about myself.
My mass of skin, bones, and mild acne was born on April 3rd, 1979, on a bear rug in an igloo on the island of
Kodiak, Alaska. From the beginning, I was a child prodigy - when the doctor/polar bear cut the umbilical cord,
I turned to him and uttered my first feeble words, "What the f*ck are you doing?!", at which point I got my
first spanking, and decided it would be best if I didn't say anything for several months after that. Don't laugh,
as my mother will testify, I'm not far off from the truth about this matter. In fact, it was 3 and a half years
before I spoke again - when my sister, Rebecca, was born in New York on a boat in Manhattan Harbor (my father
was in the Coast Guard). I spoke fluently in 4 languages and wrote software for Atari by that point, but,
diverted by her cuteness, I don't
think anybody noticed. I still maintain that Becky's origins are not of this Earth, but, hey, a lot of things in
New York are not of this Earth.
*The Early Years...*
My childhood was pretty standard, really, for the typical Alaskan wilderness homestead. The man and woman still
claiming to be my father and mother, respectively, had fallen in love with the scenery of Kodiak, so my father
retired from the Coast Guard and settled in Chiniak, a residential community located roughly 35 miles by gravel
road from the city of Kodiak, which had by then become a bustling metropolis. I awoke at 5 am every day
for about 2 days, decided it wasn't worth it, and began the habitual practice of sleeping in as late as possible,
much to my father's chagrin, who at that time had about as much tolerance as a Nazi. (just kidding dad) My parents
were and still are the best parents a socially maladjusted boy ever had; I cannot respect them enough for living
their dreams and literally building their own home from the ground up while we lived in a camper approximately the
size of a Jeep. I remember I won awards as a 4-year-old for being especially talented with tomahawks, chainsaws, and
incendiary devices:
competition with siblings for attention can be fierce. Though I don't remember much else, I imagine bathing must
have been rare, which would explain why I still only shower on Saturdays, when I have enough time to locate and
heat a water hole before the police arrive. Even when the house was finally "completed", we still had no running water,
electricity came from a generator, and the outhouse, maybe 150 feet from the house in the daytime, was 3000 miles from
the house during a rainy night. As my father became infamous for saying, "Builds character." I "built more character"
riding the dogsled uphill both ways to and from school through 10 miles of 3-feet deep snow, and chopping firewood
the 5 hours after school before bedtime. In spite of all this, life was good.
*Wrestling With School Daze*
Schooling began with the infamous "He-Man Incident" in a New York preschool. Obsessed with the Saturday morning
cartoon - which I would watch religiously with my cat, Tigger, snoozing on top of my head - I was fighting crime
on a playground one afternoon, and came to the conclusion that the Evil Slide needed to be relocated to Mars, and,
"By The Power Of Greyskull",
as I strained to pry it from the earth, I gave myself a hernia. A hospital visit, a martini, and a continental shift later,
my formal education began in the 3-room Chiniak Elementary School when I was 5. As my nickname "brain" rose in
popularity in indirect proportion to my own popularity, I decided I needed to take up a sport to show off my
flagrantly lacking muscles. Thus, in the 4th grade, I started wrestling, and immediately displayed a general lack
of talent, which for 9 years afterward fueled my desire to become better. The above picture was taken in the 7th grade -
from left to right: Jon Botz, Tim Botz, myself in the algae green hat, and Travis Tennessen.
It was in the middle of that grade that I transferred to the 600-student Junior High School in Kodiak so that I could further
pursue wrestling. There, though I continued my academic dominance of all subjects, I continued to constantly display
my social ineptitude, learning much more about life than any class could have taught me. I still remember asking a
girl from my Social Studies class at a dance if she would like to dance, and getting the prompt "No way!" Some Social
Studies class. And to think I helped her out on the daily quiz. Some thanks. In the 8th grade, I pinned a kid in front
of the student body in 29 seconds, and was welcomed back to Social Studies later that afternoon with applause, and a
fellow wrestler Alex called out the nickname, "Klub!!!!", and the name stuck.
Kodiak High School in 1992-1993 was amazing: incredible Senior athletes, and beautiful Senior chicas who had every Freshman drooling even before orientation was over. I didn't think it was possible, but my status sunk to new lows. I graduated in 1997, Valedictorian, Ironman, and scarred for life. In the Fall, I packed up a coffee pot, warm clothes, and a notebook and drove up to The University Of Alaska, Fairbanks and quickly discovered the world of MTV and VH1. My scholarships fueled my CD collection as though they were Liquid Schwartz. Though I became involved in the Residence Hall Association, the Student Senate, and a radio DJ for the campus station KSUA, studying was replaced by Nintendo64. In my Sophomore year, my grades improved, and, tired of -40 degree (F) weather in Fairbanks, I transferred over Christmas Break 1998-99 to Eastern Oregon University in La Grande, OR, where I am currently.
I love studying Computer Science; from Apple IIe's and CTOS machines to RedHat Linux and Windows2000, I have about 15 years' worth of digital experience, with a true understanding of operating systems beginning at some point in high school. It assists me greatly in my passion for music, feeding my ever-increasing need for more albums. My CD collection now stands at about 750 albums - and I've ripped every last one into 80+ gigabytes of mp3s. I was a radio DJ for the EOU station, KEOL, and was probably the only DJ who did the entire show from his/her own computer. My other passion is movies, since my musical preference runs with the techno and punk genres commonly featured on soundtracks; I remember the early days of DVD fondly, for the new releases were always available, since very few other people had DVD players. Until February 2001, I was employed with The Granada Theatre, where I learned more about film splices, projectors, and the movie industry than I ever expected. One of my favorite websites is The Internet Movie Database, an archive of information on almost every major motion picture ever produced. If someone hasn't stolen the idea already, I'd like to someday build what I call The Internet Music Database, an archive on almost every 8-track, LP, cassette, CD, and minidisc ever made. (anybody want to sponsor me??) In spring 2000, I started Axzaetus Computer Services, a side job for computer repair and personal instruction through which I can acquire additional real-life experience in preparation for my budding information technology career.
This is myself and a beautiful rainbow trout I caught the summer of 1999 on a trip to Hidden Lakes in Kodiak with my excellent friend Tavis. It was pouring rain, and, even with a raft, we weren't catching anything for hours. Then I put a red vine on my hook and landed this monster with the first cast. For more of the crazy stuff Tavis and I have done, click here!.
*The Things I'm Gonna Do For My Country...*
In June of 2001, I signed with the Navy's Delayed Enlistment Program with Advanced Electronics Computer Field (AECF) as a guaranteed A-school.
When asked when I wanted to ship to boot camp at Great Lakes, Illinois, I replied "September 11 sounds good". Well, as you can imagine,
I was receiving a physical eval at MEPS Portland the morning of the 11th when the doctor said a plane had illegally entered a WTC tower.
They shut down the airports, and, long story short, I didn't actually ship to boot until the 18th of September. Halfway through training at Great Lakes
(my division, 487, epitomized the Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Boot Camp), I was interviewed by the Ceremonial Guard and selected to their training program,
which delays my A-school indefinitely. Training for the Honor Guard is much, much harder than boot camp in both the physical and emotional aspects.
I had some difficulty getting through it, but I sucked it up when it counted and graduated in February of 2002. Immediately after that, I entered training
for the Casket Bearers Platoon, by and far the best platoon of the Guard. I rampaged through B-Squad and drilled out into Standard Honors in a record
month and a half; I should soon make Full Honors. While I'm in the Guard, I'd like to switch my A-school to Crypographic Technician - Interpretive (CTI) so
that I can go to Monterey, California and learn Arabic for a year and half.
From igloo to dorm to apartment to barracks to a van down by the river, that's my life thus far. Still curious? Go here
for some illustrations.